Geoff is 27 and a virgin. His only sexual experiences have been through masturbating to pornography. Arnold has lost count of how many women he's had sex with. Karl has sex with his wife about once every two weeks and masturbates with porn about three times a week. Ron and his wife have sex every night. But it has no emotional meaning for him. He doesn't masturbate or use porn. His addictive sex is with his wife - and she's getting sick of it.

Geoff, Arnold, Karl and Ron share the same trait that all sexually addicted people share. I call it "the flight from intimacy." I've helped many Geoffs, Arnolds, Karls, and Rons overcome sex addiction.

I start by explaining that intimacy in the real world is demanding and rewarding, while the basis of sex addiction is shallow fantasy. To quote a client I helped overcome sex addiction years ago, "Fantasy is my world. I control it." Now his world is reality and he enjoys it. In fantasy, there are no unpleasant demands. Failure is not possible. Rejection doesn't happen. Everything is great until the illusion is over. Then comes the loneliness followed by despair. Marriages suffer; lonely people get lonelier; relationships wither because of the flight from intimacy.

Sex is an emotion

Conventional licensed therapy presents sex as a bodily function. But sex is not a bodily function. Moving your bowels is. Sex is an emotion. Your body expresses it. Just as there are different feelings, there are different sexual experiences. Some are cold and distant. Warmth and passion characterize others. Sweet laughter, intense expression, tears of joy can define the sexual experience. The defining characteristic of the sexually addictive experience is the absence of intimacy.

The flight from intimacy is appealing because in order to be intimate, you must be vulnerable. Vulnerability leads inevitably to being hurt. If you are vulnerable to your partner, s/he will hurt you. To avoid being hurt, some people flee intimacy by rushing into the illusion of sex addiction until the illusion ends. Then the hurts occur anyway.

One requirement for success

The flight from intimacy is one of the two causes of sex addiction. The other is the attempt to escape reality. Most people who try to stop sexually addictive behavior fail because they don't take care of their intimacy issues first. (Infidelity, cheating on your partner, can be stopped immediately without addressing intimacy issues first. I'll explain why in a future article.)

Geoff, the virgin, can't overcome his addiction until he figures out why he avoids sex with another person. Arnold, the playboy, won't overcome his addiction until he figures out how and why he avoids commitment. Karl will continue to put more sexual energy into his addiction than his marriage until he works through the intimacy issues in his marriage. Ron, the guy using his wife as an addictive substitute, will never experience true lovemaking until he is willing to be vulnerable.

Questions about you

Here are a few questions regarding your intimacy and vulnerability issues. None of the questions ask about your childhood or how your parents treated you. Sex is an adult issue. As you think about your answers, look at yourself for the person you are today, not the kid you were decades ago. Sex addiction occurs in the present and is overcome in the present.

Every person is a unique individual. So the questions address a variety of issues:

How do you deal with rejection? What about criticism? Are you defensive? Do you feel angry often? Depressed often? Are you an honest person? Do you try to dominate? Are you afraid often? Will you do just about anything to avoid conflict? Do you expect other people to read your mind? Will you say anything to win an argument? Has your partner or others told you that you are not a good listener? Do you put yourself in your partner's shoes when there is a conflict between the two of you? Are you passive? Are you self-centered? Are you jealous? Are you possessive? Are you tolerant? Are you controlling? Do you feel superior? Inferior? Do you feel that if people really knew you, they wouldn't like you? Are you a perfectionist?

Notice that it's best to avoid dumb questions like: Do you like to hug? Notice also that none of the questions mention anything sexual? That's because sex is an emotion. Correctly overcoming sex addiction starts with working through your emotions that block intimacy. Once you overcome the emotional blocks, your chances of long-term success are excellent.